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The following dialog was pulled from the Leather Wall BB during the summer of 1997. A classic example of hunting archers desparately attempting to kill time while waiting for the hunting seasons to begin.

Great Spam Shoot & Cookoff

Subject: The GSSC From: Haggis Date: 30-May-97

I have just learned from my friend Brian Cole that the GLLI will premiere the GSSC this year, a small game course stocked with canned spam. Open entries--selfbows, recurves even--shooting anything from rubber blunts to 190 gr Ribteks, your choice. Each station will present a different small game opportunity. For example, one will have someone skipping spam in low brush to simulate a rabbit shot. Another will have Spam peeking from behind a knothole screened by a crotch up high for one of the squirrel stations. Someone with a good roundhouse curve will be tossing for the circling barn pigeon aerial shoot. Another pigeon shot will feature a can perched up 30 ft. on a beam with corrugated tin over it and deductions for a hole in the roof. And one real challenge will have Spam cut up in toothpicked pieces, clustered for a mice-in-the-feed-bin speed shoot. Immediate dq's if someone found reaching for toothpicks before nocks on this one. More exciting possibilities still in the works.

Only equipment scores will be kept, not individual (and anonymous) shooter's score--what outfits and combinations do best. Granted, Spam has an exoskeleton and in texture resembles nothing we are familiar with in the natural world, so some imagination is required.

Since local food kitchens have expressed an unwillingness to accept both used and all extra new targets as charity, Brian has decided to turn this negative into a positive by having each entrant compete over the fire of his choice in a contest to see who, if anyone, can turn the Spam he impaled into a digestible experience.

Two questions for the thread: 1) Who on Earth can we possibly get as a competent and experienced tasting judge? 2) Do you have any recipes you might care to share with me so that I can have an advantage in what will surely become an annual classic? I've eaten some weird stuff, but I don't know if I can make it through the second leg of this contest without bigtime help.

Haggis McDonough

Subject: RE:GSSC From: graysquirrel Date: 30-May-97


This is fantastic, could not hardly stop laughing. What a great idea for a shoot

Graysquirrel aka Bob Littlefield

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Spotted Owl Date: 30-May-97

Owls like spam too. Who cooks for you alllll...

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Jeff Dodd Date: 30-May-97

Bearman is the Spam King!

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Buck Date: 30-May-97

Haggis, the lower limb of my bow is twitching like a tiger's tail in anticipation of that first bite. BTW make mine...Spam Lite!


Subject: RE: GSSC From: Tom Date: 30-May-97

I can't wait (well, yes I can) to get the reaction from the SFTHTOCMP (Society For The Humane Treatment Of Canned Meat Products).

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Willy Date: 30-May-97

Haggis, I checked with Brian and he is very excited about this contest. But can only break even on money by assuring every entrant's anonymity. So he's thinking about making brown paper sacks with eye holes mandatory. Now I can shoot o.k. with a face mask, but I'm afraid a paper sack would severely cramp my style. Do you suppose some of us could just use the plastic store sacks the Spam comes in for head covers? Just cut in some nose holes, maybe after we get past the mouse speed shot?

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Snorkle Date: 30-May-97

Hey, Willy! The speed shot ain't til fourth on the card, right after the floating Spam weed-bed carp shot (and right before the empty-Spam-can-dump-heap rat shot). So whatever you do, don't tie down the plastic sack.

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Grumpy Date: 30-May-97

I don't think this is right. There ought to be equipment restrictions on having fun. Should be everyone shoots self bows and cedar arrows. Tips should be regulated too.

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Haggis Date: 30-May-97

Hmmmm. I think I know where this is going. Someone stop me before I post again.

Haggis McDonough

Subject: RE: GSSC From: graysquirrel Date: 30-May-97


How bout making everone shoot wearing underwear that is two sizes too small and bows that are 80lb minimum. That should tork whatever style anyone has out and make the playing field even (or at least bug-eyed)

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Bruce Snyder Date: 30-May-97

Hey, what about my favorite? Vienna sausages!!!

And how come Biggie hasn't jumped in on this one? I'd have thought it was right up his alley!

Subject: RE: GSSC From: gary archer Date: 30-May-97

Hey Bruce--I found a great secondary use for Vienna sausages--just leave them out of the can on a rock for two days, insert a field point into one and they make fantastic blunts for grouse shooting!! Of course, if you are a lousy shot at grouse, just soak them in a little spring water, leaving them on the arrow, of course, and then roast over the campfire. Well-l-l, don't knock it until you've tried it. Good shootin', Arch.

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Bearman Date: 30-May-97

Good waste of spam,I like mine crispy fried with maple syrup on it!!,Brian,I plan on being there,if you hit it do you get to eat it!

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Don Stokes Date: 30-May-97

Spam lovers should check out and you can join the Spam club! If you are not familiar with Monty Python, brace yourself!! Warning- adult language and cartoon nudity.

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Grumpy Date: 31-May-97

You may be right, Haggis. But I happen to hold Spam in high regard, with a reverence the rest of you apparently do not share. Maybe some of you regard it as spiritless stuff, but my life depends on it a great deal, in ways too numerous to mention. I know others share these feelings and this dependence. Therefore, I'm afraid that if we open the GSSC to any class bow and error, we may not attract the kind of committed bowhunter who will represent us the way we need to be seen by the non-Spam public. I want a commitment to ethical Spam shooting, and I think it is to be found in retrenchment. We need to get back to where we once belonged, to an appreciation of the beauty and the mystery of it all.


Subject: RE: GSSC From: George D. Stout Date: 31-May-97

Now just wait a minute! Vienna Sausage? Heck they aren't sausage and they aren't from vienna...that's more scary than any ol' can of Spam. Despite the fact that Spam can probably clog an artery at 60 yards on a dead run, I actually like the stuff! It's best in my favorite recipe, Fried Spam Flambeau ala McManus. It needs to be done "medium" or for the lay person, just to where you have to break the black crust off. As for Vienna Sausage, I would rather cook up the south end of a opossum that was headin' north. Sorry I can't attend the sounds delicious! George

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Brian Date: 31-May-97

ROTFL!!!Though I've never met Haggis face to face, he has a familiar (Spamish?) accent.

BTW, I think we all get the point!


Subject: RE: GSSC From: Bruce Snyder Date: 31-May-97

Well, George, I'll take my Vienna weenies any day over Spam. Ain't nothing better than coming back to camp after a morning hunt and popping open a can o' them little weenies into my old Boy Scout mess kit, dousing 'em with Tobasco and/or horseradish, and washing the whole mess down with some warmed-over coffee! Yum!

Granted, a Vienna sausage is harder to hit than a hunk of Spam, but some of us couldn't hit a bear in the butt with a handfull of gravel anyhow. :)

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Tom(Longbo) Date: 01-Jun-97

This is great! Don't think I remember ever having won an archery tournament before but this sounds like a shoe-in for me. Probably as close to archery hunting as we can get . You shoot it, you eat it. Does the winner get choice of which camp to enjoy Saturday night supper? Would suggest we keep this quiet for time being. When the government finds out about it they will want to place seasons and bag limits on Spam's.

Have eaten a few vienna sausages in my day. They come in cans also.

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Dean Date: 01-Jun-97

George, I've learned from Haggis and his group that from mutual respect they've agreed to bury their incipient Spam feud. This is good (and, I'm sure, a relief to you and to everyone who visits the Leatherwall).

My remaining fear is that I myself may be forced to a choice between the passionate proponents of Spam and Vienna sausage. Does the fact that one can be eaten raw with manly sides of old Injun coffee and Tabasco while the larger and easier target needs burnt and slathered with maple syrup provide me sufficient information to make the better choice? Aren't both rather heavy in the pack? And please, one small equipment question with no traditional vs tech philosophical implications--is one simpler to open than the other should a desperate man in a faraway spike camp lose the can turn key? Perhaps a man who does not deal too well with mechanical contrivances would be advised to pack his choice in uncanned?

For Brian: perhaps you should divvy up the GSSC course between Spam and Vienna. Then again, Tom's aim may not be so good on the Vienna portion, which does not so much resemble head shot squirrels as Spam does, forcing him to go begging at campsites. Should we stay Spam and leave him his dignity?

One final question. Would buried Spam be bait enough to tempt a Bearman in for the close shot I owe him from long ago? If so, a handful of dirt and a hearty Amen!

Dean Torges

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Tom(Longbo) Date: 01-Jun-97

Bearman...maple syrup????

Best way to handle this whole thing is to have Haggis and Grumpy debate the issue in front of everyone at GLLI. I would be willing to pay money to see that.

Bearman...maple syrup????????

Dean, I am 47 years old...been married in a small log the middle of Illinois... on a piece of ground most would consider worthless...shoot Hill Big 5's (very old Big 5's)... cannot prepare my own food...and call Bearman friend. What is dignity?

Bearman...maple syrup????? I know one camp I won't be begging at!

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Bearman Date: 01-Jun-97

Longbo,it's obvious your culinary experiences are very limited especial since you can only boil water.Crispy fried spam makes a healthy substitute for bacon and with maple syrup it takes on gourmet quality eating.The powerful sweetness of the syrup enhances the smokey favor of the select meats that were used in the creation of spam, as well as counter balancing the saltness.Spam has often received a bad reputation do you the inadequate imitations such as Treet,and other mystery meat that trys to pass itself off as the same as spam.Accept no substitute when it comes to the orginial.I do now prefer the spam lite since I am once again regaining my boyish figure back since working out.As for Dean,if you build it I will come!Heard that line from somewhere,but it's source escapes me at the momment.Make it a good shot for you only get one!

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Bruce Snyder Date: 01-Jun-97

Lips & ears, boys; that's what it's made of! (And who knows what else?)

The turn key on Spam always frustrated me, so my admittedly biase vote goes for Vienna weenies, 'cause they have an uncomplicated pop top for those among us who are mechanically disinclined (like me).

Hey, who knows; we could be starting a revolution here. Envision this: the Great Kosher Dill Pickle Shoot, or the Great Spanish Olive Shoot, or the Great Cheese Whiz Shoot -- oops! Sorry, guys; I'm regressing a bit.

Time for desert: a big dish of vanilla ice cream, garnished with chocolate syrup, honey-roaste peanuts and Vienna sausage!

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Dean Date: 02-Jun-97

Sooo-o-o-o, late spring and the Bearman is afoot after a lengthy disappearance. We learn he has been secluded in training, lifting encylopedias to strengthen wits for inevitable showdown with Justice and the American Way. Must judge himself ready for combat. Churlish. Shuffling now amidst empty Spam cans, dissing Treet, issuing take-your-best-shot challenges. Hmmm-m-m-m.

Bearman, tell you what. If you will stay out and resume active duty hitting the Wall now and then, I will let you go free. Free to wander where you will, say what you want, do what you like. Free, Bearman, free! Go now, and don't look back over your shoulder. Go to my camp in Michigan at the GSSC (formerly knows as the GLLI) and eat Spam with Tom and sausages with Bruce. Bring maple syrup. Relax. Have fun. Get a beer or two out of the cooler near my tent. And, Bearman, ignore the shadowy old man's figure lurking in the bushes.

Dean Torges

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Bearman Date: 02-Jun-97

Dean,thanks for the reprieve! I sure well be lurking around at the GLLI and looking for free hand outs as my kind often does. I do have distinct dislike for Budweiser however,hope your beer drinking preferences are with another brand,preferrablly a Real Man's brew and not some watered down Lite beer substitute for the real thing! Anyway I will bring my own since my tastes have become more selective as I have ascending into old age (at least that is what Longbo says). Spam,Vienna sausages,and bologne can't understand all the distain,it's all great with ketchup! What ever happen to all the Real Men who ate bacon and eggs almost ever day and didn't worry about such things as cholesterol,triglycerides,and fat grams and drank real coffee and not some caffeine free crap.

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Tom(Longbo) Date: 02-Jun-97

Bearman, the Real Men are all dead! Wonder why?

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Brian Date: 02-Jun-97

I can't wait to visit with you rascals at GLLI. But considering the culinary climate, my chair will be on the up-wind side of the fire. Pass the bean-o please...BC

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Mingo Date: 03-Jun-97

Hey Guys.... would you treat a good t-bone steak the same way you are treating the SPAM? Where is your dignity, using such a succulent item as SPAM as a target.

Bearman with his maple syrup understand the delicacy we are dealing with, I prefer to slice it straight out of the can, place it between two slices of bread, a little mustard and horseradish and we have a sandwich fit for a king...

Also, try dicing it into cubes, tossing in some scrambled eggs and some cheese... makes a great way to start the day off with....

Good luck at your harvest shoot.

God Bless, Norm Johnson

Subject: RE: GSSC From: TS Date: 03-Jun-97

Alright, fats enough!!! I canned stand it hammymore! You're all under arrest for impersonating a conversation. Form a line, feet back and spam...err, I mean spead'em. You there in the fatback, yeah the one with the osage more labiodental fricative crack about pig parts and you'll be crackin' rock at the Piglip School for the Gastronomically Challenged! Cheez.....

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Thunk Date: 03-Jun-97

Welll...uh..ok. I think I opened the wrong door! I hear there is going to be a pickett line for Protesters Against un-humain treatment of those precious SPAMs, everybody knows how cuddly they is. It is only right that TS comes in and arrests all parcipitants. Everybody knows there would be no winner, there wouldn't be anyone completing the shooting course. We all know the first groups going through the course would be such korni-sewers of such gastrointestinal delites that they woud be just-a-eating up each SPAM they shot as soon as it stopped. Imagine that if you would, piles of shooters, lazing along the trail, just-a-flecking out pieces o'SPAMs with toothpicks and-o-burping that flatuous odor of digesting SPAMs. No one could complete the course because of lack of SPAMs to shoot at, those littl' darlin's. So, TS, just get in and do yor duty and stop this carnage. Anybody got a can opener? Or maybe an Alkeseltzer?

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Jeff Dodd Date: 04-Jun-97

Besides being used as a hair tonic can anyone recommend any uses for Spam slime?


Subject: RE: GSSC From: Haggis Date: 04-Jun-97

Jeff, your are turning my key, so to speak. Perhaps now is the time to peel the lid off this can and take a cold stare at what's inside. Anyone know the REAL derivation of the word "Spam"? No, it is not what the processors would have you believe with their fancy-shmantzy Madison Avenue marketing scheme, almalgamating the words "Spoiled" and "Ham" into one word, thereby betting for their fortune on luring such innocents as Bearman and Norm to the "process". No. SPAM is an acronym for something so sinister you'd almost think the Origins of Disease and Pestilence sat in council in fiery Hell itself and brainstormed the name. The award of an MRE of my choice to the man or woman brave enough to illuminate this deceit.

Haggis McDonough

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Beevis Date: 04-Jun-97

Somethun' Pass'n As Meat

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Rick in MO Date: 04-Jun-97

Gentlemen, there is nothing finer than a fried Spam sandwich topped with a fresh tomato and a dash of horseradish......or how about sliced thin and place on top of pork and beans, baked for about 45 min, and served with a glass of red wine in a Flinstones jelly jar ..........whoa baby, sell my clothes..... I've gone to heaven. You can even use the spam slime as a hair jell, water proof wheel bearing grease, water proofing for your boots, put some on your arrows and they pull right out of targets with just two fingers or add a dash of cayenne pepper for to make a wonderfully vibrant and distinct pepper jelly. For you that are artists, take several Spam "briskets", place popsicle sticks in them to hold them together and you can carve them into sculptures of your favorite animals; squirrels, rabbits, turkeys, deer, bears, spamalopes etc.... Deep fry those sculptures, paint them with food coloring and you have the first edible 3-D targets...............BTW, "Spam" is not short for "Some Pretty Awful Meat".

Thank You for Your Time, Rick in MO

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Haggis Date: 04-Jun-97

Jeff, check the fine print on the ingredients label of Rogaine. Its pharmaceutical manufacturer may have been inspired initially by Spam Alive (i.e., Spam left too long in the refrigerator), but more than just Spam Inspiration went into this puppy.

Beevis, you are on the right track and deserve a hint for your effort:

Ordered by treaty to destroy it's germ warfare capability, the CIA brokered its stockpile of Spam Slime through an untraceable sleaze-ball arms merchant to the East German Military Establishment. He sold it there as a solvent, lubricant and anti-fouling device for all Soviet military issue arms. This in turn allowed Regan's administration, which brokered the Chemical and Biological Warfare treaty initially in a superb example of farsighted gamesmanship, to break down the Wall without a shot being fired and bring The Evil Empire to its knees.

I'm forbidden to give out the name of the arms merchant who brought peace to the world while simultaneously filling the slush fund coffers of the CIA, but here are two hints: He is compulsive about finding apparently benign and even tempting uses for Spam. He signed the post above this one.

Haggis McDonough

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Spotted Owl Date: 04-Jun-97

Hau, Haggis, so you return.

...but soft...what light through yonder window breaks, tis but truth...and Haggis is the sun...i say so, say so.

If and when, this comes to an end...may I suggest it be at the Haggis' campfire on a Midsummer's nite.


Subject: RE: GSSC From: Haggis Date: 04-Jun-97

Neglected to mention that "sleaze ball" was part of CIA operative's cover, used as covert credentials on his mission of mercy. Obviously, no arms merchant has credibility without this prefix to his job description. I mean, what communist would buy from an arm's merchant whose mission was world peace?

Also, did not specify which post preceding my last identified this benefactor.

Haggis McDonough

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Date: 04-Jun-97

Squirrel Parts And More?

Subject: RE: GSSC From: graysquirrel Date: 04-Jun-97

Hey, lay OFF the squirrel parts, this noble beast ain't got nothin to do with SPAM, BEENIE WEINIES, chicken lips, or anyother dastardly combination of gas producing spincter puckering molecules.

Subject: RE: GSSC From: George D. Stout Date: 05-Jun-97

Dean...I have absolutely, no idea of what you just said to me back there. Although, I believe that there could have something derogatory or anti-spamatic! Please speak to me in english next time. Haggis....whatever possessed you to start a thread like this....I like it! Spam could possibly mean, "Surrogate Protein Approximating Meat" but I'm not sure of that. By the way, I'll take my spam between two slices of horseradish or other lackluster condiments to sour the wonderful taste and aroma. And for you Vienna weenie lovers...tsk, tsk. They won't even lay down properly in a sandwich. "So pass the raspberry Koolaid, bartender, and set my chair upwind of that campfire....right there beside B.C.

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Dean Date: 05-Jun-97

George, Sorry my English proved a problem. I meant you no offense, and I want that much to be clear. Perhaps my allusions to several other threads caused you to scratch your head, most specifically allusions to posts in the Last Trip to the Bowsite and the Squirrel Hunting threads. I admired your attempt to bury Last Trip to the Bowsite, and echoed its and Hawkeye's language at the end of my post--the one you questioned. It seemed that Snorkle, Willy, Grump and Haggis had agreed to respect each others differences, too, to have faith enough in each other to accept the possibility that each man's archery path in pursuit of Spam was the one particularly right for him to travel, and that simply because one chose a different path from another, none would be quick to judge the rest on this basis. I assumed that you would be relieved to know that you would not have to witness the same arguments written on equipment in the Trip thread Spammed out all over again.

I won't bother you with the details of the other two threads I alluded to, the Squirrel thread and one long ago involving Bearman and caged bears, as well, but the principles in each (Tom and Tuck) recognized the point, I am sure.

Dean Torges


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