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Subject: RE: GSSC From: Date: 22-Jun-97

Hawkeye, sometimes you seem like too gentle a person to be involved in a thread like this, if we can believe your confession that you've only been bad once, back in kindergarten. Yet at other times that cleanliness and your alibis and protestations of innocence are sufficient themselves to arouse my suspicions. I can catalogue five good reasons to believe you, and five equally compelling reasons not to. I'm sometimes suspicious that you are the innocent victim of malevolent machinations from one side or another of the Spam can, by the types who shudder in the presence of goodness and must work to bring it down, yet at other times I'm convinced you are the Thread Master himself, pulling strings and weaving themes while you double back on your trail and mebbe even leave a body or two in the bushes for your own diversion and amusement when the posts get too dull. In short, I'm confused at the same time I'm fascinated.

I see new wrinkles on the horizon, and I'm helpless but to question your involvement in them. They regard Snorkle and his promise to be here with revelations tomorrow, dramatically, at high noon. Seems to me you are caught in some type of pincher movement here, and, again, it is all too neat. If Snorkle doesn't show up tomorrow, if instead he disappears like Haggis, given the circumstances, his location, his accusations and all, who would be the prime suspect in his disappearance? Yet if he does show up here tomorrow at his appointed time with evidence to blow the lid off this charade (not my words), who is it but you that is set up to get sooted from those charges?

Then again, as I said, this is all too neat and predictable, because either way it puts you in the spotlight while you protest being there, making you by some 3rd perspective a showman who demands attention with his left hand while silencing the crowd with his right. The Thread Master. Fascinating.

I'm betting Snorkle never comes up for air again. Anyone wanna double that bet?

Dean Torges.

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Hawkeye Date: 23-Jun-97

Dean, I won't fall for your attempt to trip me in my story. As I originally said, it was in 1st Grade, NOT kindergarten, that I turned from my single-occurence life of "crime" (I answered the teacher that I was "Fine", when I actually didn't feel well that day) to walk the straight and narrow. Like my ol' friend Abe L. implied, if you simply tell the truth, you don't have to remember your "thread" of lies. I think others on this board would be well served to take similar advice to heart.

Snorkle had better put a cork in it (though that would make it hard to breathe) if he plans to come sneaking around THIS "ranch" in the dark. The watch-pigs are standing sentry, my dogs bite, and my wife... well, the less said about her, the better. This is still America, Bucky, and we don't take kindly to "furinners" around these parts. (A furinner is someone who lives more than two miles down the road).

Joe Don, you seem like an eminently nice, sane man. Please leave this thread immediately, while there's still time. Either eat or avoid Spam at all cost, depending on your take on this thread.

And Brian... Brian? Musicians are sometimes know for their idiosyncratic behavior, are they not? You seem nice enough.... squeeky clean. That alone is probably enough to add you to the list of Haggis-cide suspects, as far as this crew is concerned. Oh, Brian, say it isn't so...

Doe-Boy, Spotted Owl, Haggis? Why so quiet??

The plot thickens- the net closes- the noose tightens.... here's to July 11-13th!


Subject: RE: GSSC From: Guano Date: 23-Jun-97

Everyone, I see, is still dancing to the Light Spamtastic. This has gotta be the longest running thread in the anals (especially if one eats Spam) of Stickbow history.

Hawkeye, your comment about the constituents of my scat did not go unnoticed. Beware! For when you least expect it, you shall hear the swooshing of predatory wings, a shadow shall darken the face of the sun, followed shortly thereafter by a sound not unlike that of a whoopie cushion as I strafe you with the precision of a P-38. And you shall be annointed.

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Spotted Owl Date: 23-Jun-97

Hau, night vision is my advantage. Yes it's use can be and has been bought by the highest bidder. Did Haggis only come out at night, and is he indeed deceased? Whoooo knows for sure!

Doe-Boy, is that your neatly hidden camp I see on the banks of the St. Joseph river. Nice try...thought you'd get there early for a little recon huh?

If silence is golden, then ole Doe-Boy must be worth a bundle lately. isayso sayso

Spotted Owl

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Dean Date: 23-Jun-97

Past noon and no Snorkle. Spose we get a vulture up there with the owl and the hawk?

Dean Torges

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Guano Date: 24-Jun-97

Snorkle's plugged up with guano. Nothing a dose of spamamucil won't cure.

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Doe-Boy Date: 24-Jun-97

Had my Shrew Pocket enlarged to hold a laptop w/cellphone modem, which in turn has allowed me to search Top Secret government archive's while on the move.

Interestingly enough it seems there used to be a CIA covert operative code name *HAWKEYE* who was an accomplished falconer. He has 13 documented "erasures" using trained attack falcons with Brazilian rain forest poison frog venom tipped talons.

But even more enlightening was archives mention of the *shadow* the CIA had on this Hawkeye. In case their operative decided to turn "mole" or made a PR blunder, this *shadow* codenamed.....SPOTTED OWL, was to apply his own poisoned talons to both bird and agent.

I have a source for the deadly frog poison, and as you read this, I am preparing some arrows for......

WHAT THE !?.... HEY !.... UGHHH......

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Guano Date: 24-Jun-97

Guano strikes again! Heh, heh.

Wear that in yer topknot, Doe-Boy! Phew!

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Dean Date: 24-Jun-97

Do I get the feeling that this thread has turned into a parody of Agatha Christie's "Ten Little Indians"? I'm just hoping I survive long enough to make it to the Spam shoot to see who else is standing. Difference is that not only don't I know whodunnit, I'm still not even sure who's done been dun.

Dean Torges.

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Grump Date: 24-Jun-97

I'll be there, dammit. I ain't feared a nothing that walks, flies, crawls, runs, digs or slides from a can. Not even Bearman, and he ain't none of the above, though he might be amongst the body count, being as how he promised to post and then quietly disappeared.

We be down to about 7, mebbe 6 Injuns by my count.

Subject: RE: GSSC From: graysquirrel Date: 24-Jun-97

bunch of WEIRD puppies!!!!!!!!!!!!and I DO MEAN weird

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Hawk Date: 24-Jun-97

Dean, Grumpy, Snorkle, Guano, Spotted Owl, Doe Boy Bevis, I will see you at GSSC. I am strenthening my wings to fly in some special recipies of John Barleycorn! But I aint haulin in no stinkin spam, I will leave that up to you road rangers. Air freight is at a premium won't have room for a pork substitute. I have sharpened my broadheads and my talons are always sharp! So be ready, and I will circle in anticipation of my arival.


Subject: RE: GSSC From: Grump Date: 25-Jun-97

I'll live long enough to see brave archers lock-legged, swilling John Barleycorn and shooting Spam. No, not like beer, with bodkins.

Lookin' skyward, Hawk. Save some of your fuel to toast Haggis and Snorkle and Doe-boy, fallen comrades all. I'll be there. It's a promise. Til then, I sleep against a wall with one eye open.

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Spamophilite Date: 25-Jun-97

I have sat and observed all that has transpired. I cannot in good faith allow the spamistery to continue.

The Owl and the Hawk are one as the one called Dean has spamised. Dean is far too concerned with who dunnit and does not see the spam for the can. Guano continues to wage scatological warfare yet offers nothing to end this insanity. Is Haggis dead? or has he consummed more than his share of the Hunter's Meat and suffers from spamotoxemia?? Grumpy says no but like Guano speaks with in spamobites and clouds up the unclear. Spam it's a good thing!

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Guano Date: 25-Jun-97

Alas, gents, Guano wishes he could join you, but he has a prior committment to fertilize areas farther south. I toast a cup of spamslime to your dedication and resolution.

But remember this: Beware of Ex-Lax disguised as Hershey Bars, avoid Ben Gay in your jockey shorts, and abstain from consorting with women who have braided armpits and use Preparation H for lipstick.

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Beevis Date: 25-Jun-97

All this talk of Haggis's passing is becoming depressing. Haggis lives I tell you! How can it be otherwise? Haggis has been forever, and will forever always be.

Who was it, do you suppose, who down through the years has convinced young boys that that pebble released from a limb slingshot has no chance of striking yonder window? And then guided that pebble to do just that!

And who but Haggis would instruct young and learning hunters wanting a nice fur that that black critter with a white stripe would make the best hat?

And who else but Haggis accompanies the old man to the barn to steal a few puffs from a forbidden cigar saying "not to worry, she will never know." And then quietly chuckles out of sight in the corner while the old lady gives the old man hell.

Yes, Haggis still lives and I have the proof. Just today I arose from bed facing much work to do in the barn. While eating breakfast a persistant voice (Haggis?) kept saying from within, "the fish will be biting today, get to it!" And I did.

What would be the point of men living much past the age of puberty without Haggis?

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Dean Date: 25-Jun-97

Nice eulogy, Beevis. Haggis reminded me, too, of a time of simpler conspiracies, of Wayne Hayes and a curvacious secretary, Wilbur Mills and a midnight swim, of fewer raisins than advertised, of the shrinking nickel candy bar. In short, of harmless deceits. And now we've got good men dying, subterfuge and manipulation, distrust, government and agri-business conspiring to poison our foodstuffs while those who would warn us drop off one at a time. I'll miss his shrill voice, his ability to look out over a calm clear day and see clouds and warnings and complications, his willingness to conceive stirring banners and his courage to wave them in the air and call out "Follow me, lads."

Yes, his spirit lives on, but there won't soon be a voice like his again. I don't know who will pick up the slack for the GSSC. I'm no good at seeing through conspiracies, but I have noticed this much--all those died or unaccounted for stood to one side of the Spam can. The blood so far has flowed in one direction. Except for an explanation with a totally unacceptable complication--that Haggis and Snorkle and Doe-boy are hiding behind Beevis' barn door giggling (and wouldn't that make Guano a co-conspirator?)--then there is only one conclusion: the Spamophiles are playing this game for keeps.

Hawkeye, if you are behind all this, it will be hard to be friends with you when we meet.

I'm looking forward to the GSSC and my chance to return the fire.

Dean Torges

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Don Stokes Date: 25-Jun-97

Before everyone in this thread gets killed off, please do your duty for those who may survive. At this address ( you can join the Spam Club and partake of their kind offer to allow you to become a silly organ donor and e-mail unwanted, unused, or disgusting body parts to a friend (or other) before you die. Spam contamination is not cause for rejection.

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Hawkeye Date: 25-Jun-97

Of everyone you know, I would think the fondness I have for ol' Haggis would put me last on the list of 4.3 billion inhabitants of earth as a suspect. I still remember the day we found him cold, and wet, and lonely.... sitting on the front porch. Who was it that took him in and let him sit on a newspaper and drink a bowl of warm milk, HMMM? You should all be ashamed.

Each time I boot up the machine and step up to the Leather Wall, my olfactory senses and watering eyes make me believe that Haggis lurks on.

Dean, a man of your inscrutable wisdom, considerable experience (notice I didn't say "age"), and incomprehensible writing ability must know the importance of the time-honor requirement of "corpus delicti"- the proof, material substance, or foundation of a crime- before charges be sought.

I was the proud recipient of the "American Legion Award" 22 years ago as a high school senior, I till the soil to feed the starving of the world, and my dad knew a guy who's second cousin once got a form letter from the Kennedy White House... what more can I say to prove that I am the veritable personification of all that is right and good in America?!?!

I'll see you at the GSSC. When we get to the bottom of this, you'll find I'm not there. BTW, where's Cliff??

Pure as the driven slush, I remain-


Subject: RE: GSSC From: Spotted Owl Date: 25-Jun-97


Well, it serve's Doe-Boy right for breaking the "code of silence." Some things are just never meant for public knowledge...kinda' like this thread.

Looks like ole' Guano did the legion a favor - Doe-Boy crushed to death by a flying pile of second hand SPAM...ouch!!

And might I suggest that, Yoooo'aaaall, give Hawkeye a break. I' him for a long time and hisss reputation isss asss impecable a our president'sss.

As the time for the great longbow shoot draws near, the aroma of burnt turkey feather's, fresh off the hot wire, waft's across the country side. GSSC, son of GLLI will be a time of cleansing and healing and revelation.

I go now to my sweat lodge where the smoke shall make a vision of the truth known to me. isayso sayso

Spotted Owl

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Guano Date: 25-Jun-97

Requiem for Doe-Boy (Sung to the tune of "Brylcreme, a Little Dab'll Do Ya"):

Guano, a little dab'll do ya Leave your hat at home only if you dare Watch out, the flies'll all pursue ya They love to hatch their maggots in your hair

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Brian Cole Date: 25-Jun-97

I'll be at Berrien Spring's a couple day's early, so if any of you character's are inclined to do the same, be sure to look me up. I'll be the guy with the bandaged right arm.


Subject: RE: GSSC From: Dean Date: 25-Jun-97

Brian, I'm fearful that your bandaged arm may have something to do with your stance against the Spam can. Talon marks? Septic sores? What? Out with it man! Whodunnit? How? Did you get a good look? You just back from Iowa?

Amidst all this carnage, and the prospect for more, wouldn't it be more merciful to have Pat Kervorkian pull the plug on this thread?

Dean Torges

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Guano Date: 25-Jun-97

Pat the Webmeister? Think about it. Perhaps even now, Pat lurks under an alias as the spammeister of it all. Perhaps he holds the key, which, if one were to find it and turn it, would open up this can once and for all to reveal truth, justice and the American way.

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Bearman Date: 25-Jun-97

Brian,one of the many uses of spam is as a disinfectant and general potion to cure all kinds of ailments. You see nothing can grow on spam not even mold,so it makes a great greasie sauve put on burns or cuts to promote healing.As a bonus what you have left can be cooked up into a crispy delight especially when maple syrup is added.

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Tom(Longbo) Date: 25-Jun-97

Bearman, that has answered several questions I had about you but was afraid to ask. Thanks. July 27th. Your suite currently has no roof but after your last post I don't think you need one.

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Grump Date: 25-Jun-97

Hawkeye, I almost believe what you say about your life since first grade. Makes me think that if you didn't murder Haggis (or any of the others), you should have. Hell, if I were you, I'd accept the blame and take the consequences just to see how the rest of us live. You jes too clean.

Here's hoping the Hawk lands with enough truth serum to get to the bottom of all this.

Subject: RE: GSSC From: George Stout Date: 26-Jun-97 specialty of "Campfire Spam Flambea" will be served up at the site of the Tri-County Traditional Archers, at the Eastern Traditional Archery Rendezvous. Dean, I know your booth will be downwind so I expect to see you gingerly approaching the campsite as our beloved protein is cooked over the coals. We won't tell anyone if you choose to have a Spamwich and a hearty cup of Tri-County coffee with us; on the contrary, we would be very least while partaking of our breakfast. Actually, we will also have some Amish country "Yoder's" bacon on the grill also, which imparts some of it's flavor into the Spam, thereby making a totally gustatorial delight. All of you out there licking your lips, should advise if you, too, are going to show up at the campfire so we may have a large enough supply of our wonder food. Remember, mess not with the Tri-Countians for we are Spam fed and ready to run...(in a manner of speaking, of course)! See you in Denton Hill and I'll set an extra styrofoam plate for ya! George

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Brian Date: 26-Jun-97

George, that Amish bacon sounds good.

Hey...which one of you guys is going to volunteer to edit the Bowsite's new cookbook?


Subject: RE: GSSC From: Grump Date: 26-Jun-97

Dean, Brian, don't be fools! Can't you see through George's ploy. That Amish bacon wrap--that's the way we get coon dawgs to swaller big purple pills! Wake up America. Where's Haggis?

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Buz Date: 26-Jun-97

My father had a champion coon dog, but couldn't get him to do his stud duties. He got these big purple pills from the vet to cure the problem and, man, you shoulda seen him go. He took care of the bitch, busted out of his pen, got the neighbor's dog, and kept going. We figgered they were too dangerous, so we dumped 'em down the well, and still to this day, we can't get the pump handle down. Don't know what was in them pills, but they sorta tasted like peppermint, with a salt pork aftertaste.

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Spudley Date: 26-Jun-97

Call me dumb!! I had to go all the way to Iowa (Eldora) to learn about Haggis. From the new Lexicon Webster's Dictionary, page 433, haggis, Scottish dish made of the heart, liver, lungs etc., of a sheep, minced with oatmeal, suet and onions, packed into a sheep's stomach and boiled. Don't anybody dare to criticize our beloved SPAM.Hmmm, sheep dip and spam. What really hurt, was that I had to learn that from a Marine! (gunney)

Subject: RE: GSSC From: Dean Date: 26-Jun-97

Yup, Spudley, that was Haggis McDonough, all right. A real treat. No, not Treet. Treat.

And as for you, Grump, you self-advertised as not afeared of nothin, or somesuch. You some city boy that pays vet bills? Hell, grab that hound on the lower jaw and squeeze with one hand while you wrap a fist around that purple pill and cram it down his throat with the other hand. Geez, man, save the Amish bacon for the humans.

You've lost some credibility with me, Grump. And the way bodies are dropping around here, I'm looking at your brag to make it to the GSSC in a whole different light. I think I'd be sleeping with both eyes open if I were you.

George, mighty temptin' invite. I be sniffin 'round that campfire one of them mornin's.

Dean Torges

Subject: RE: GSSC From: SPAMMAN Date: 27-Jun-97

Some of you Spam lovers may be interested in the BIG Spam Town USA celebration going on in Austin, Minn. next week. Trace Adkins ("one of the hottest new stars in country who counts Spam among his favorite foods") will be performing along with a Hormel singing group The Spamettes.(Really !!!) Come visit the Hormel plant and actually witness this stuff being made.(Please no video cameras allowed) After the tour, enjoy the BIG street dance from 7-12 on July 3rd. or compete in the Spam carving contest.Now that you're all aware of this great event, I'm sure you're quickly changing plans in order to experience this once in a lifetime happening.(well maybe once a year) See Ya All There, Spamman